How to start talking about death:

Talking about death is not easy. Many have asked me how to start. One of the easiest ways is to remember your first death experience. Was it a funeral you attended? A wake? Hearing about a friend’s family member who died? Start there and see where it leads you. Here are some ideas:

  • Recall a death in your life

  • Was it a good or bad experience?

  • What do you wish was different?

  • How could you improve that experience?

  • What do you believe about death

  • Are your beliefs helpful?

  • What do you fear about death?

That’s it. Find a good friend who might want to listen and try it out. You might be surprised by how much you have to say

Let’s Talk

For some people, being able to talk with an End-of-Life Specialist is helpful. Whether there are significant fears or embarrassing issues, some like to talk privately with one other person. This can be a scheduled time where boundaries are established. It can be in person or online. Some prefer a phone call. Whatever works for you, we can provide the needed support.

Please set an appointment with Mary Kay using the form at right. Her usual appointment hours are Tuesday through Thursday in the afternoon and evenings. She will respond to your request as soon as possible.

The first 30-minute consultation is free. Once a plan is agreed upon, the standard fee is $60/hr.

Death Café

Death cafes are a new way to meet with others to talk about death. There is no set agenda. Everyone who comes to a death café may want to talk about some aspect of death. There will be a facilitator who will welcome everyone and then set the ground rules such as no interruptions, no sharing of stories with those outside the group, and respect for any differences.

Some death cafes are virtual. This can be a unique way to meet. Others will meet in person, at a coffee shop or other public location. The goal is to have a wide variety of ages, experiences and opinions. One hour is the typical timeframe. It will be important to start and end on time.

Death cafes help to make talking about death less taboo. Some may find it morbid to attend such a gathering but the hope is that these cafes will become commonplace. Death is a normal part of life for all of us. It’s time to stop the fear and start allowing everyone to embrace our mortality.

Virtual Death Cafe the first Wednesday of every month

Join the next Death Cafe on Zoom by emailing Mary Kay for the link at marykusner50@gmail.com

Upcoming Death Cafe Discussions:

  • July 3, 2024 at 7 p.m. (CST)

  • August 7, 2024 at 7 p.m. (CST)

  • September 4, 2024 at 7p.m. (CST)
         

Death Doula

Many people have never heard of a Death Doula. It’s becoming more well known as we take charge of our dying process. A Death Doula is someone (typically certified) who has training in how to support someone during their dying process. They can be contacted as soon as a difficult diagnosis happens or at the very end of life for vigil keeping. Many hospice agencies now use Death Doulas to help during a person’s end-of-life process to support the family and honor the wishes of their loved one.

Other names for Death Doulas are End-of-Life Doula (EOLD), End-of-Life Specialist, Certified End-of-Life Specialist (CEOLS), Death Advocate or Death Midwife. I prefer EOL Specialist. What matters is how much experience a person has had in this field.

Initially I became a hospice volunteer while I trained to become a chaplain. Then, I was a hospice chaplain for over ten years. In 2005, I became a Palliative Care Chaplain at the University of Iowa Hospitals & Clinics. I held that job for almost 17 years and retired in June, 2022. During my professional career, I had the privilege of being with hundreds of individuals and their families at the time of death. I have also been with those who were otherwise alone.

In 2015, I started the NODA (No One Dies Alone) program and trained volunteers how to be with the dying who had no friends/family. This was not only important to the person, but also to the healthcare team who often were too busy to stay with a dying patient.

During Covid, I did frontline care for patients. At times, I was the only one in the hospital room with an iPad full of loved ones who weren’t allowed to be there. It was challenging to help bridge this gap at such a significant time.

Now, my role is to serve wherever families need me. It can be in their home or in a nursing home or in the hospital. Dying is a process and you will know when you are ready to talk and plan for how you want it to happen.